Influencers and Influenceable Beings - Rotary Magazine Kampala 2020

 

Influencers and Influenceable Beings

From the time we are born, we are shaped by influential educational, social, political, cultural, religious, and economic agents. We are exposed to systems, groups, and people in general that symbiotically shape the way we perceive reality. We are part of a community and we create a literal blood tribe. As years go by, we build new non-blood tribes, new families, and circles that share common interests and with whom we feel in synchronicity and at “home.”
“Tell me who your friends are, and I will tell you who you are.” — Worldwide Traditional Proverb

My grandmother would repeat this proverb as a mantra as she advised me to surround myself only with good-natured people. I would honestly not give it much relevance; she was a catechist teacher, and I found some morals too theoretical and not sufficiently put into practice. In the Jewish-Christian tradition I come from, there are still a lot of opinions, thoughts, and judgments that I find non-inclusive or not aligned with love and compassion—main values that are preached. “Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive.”

Regardless, Jim Rohn’s re-emerging theory, “You are the average of the 5 people you spend more time with,” appearing in articles, media posts, and conversations between colleagues, made me reflect and realize how much inspiration and admiration I gain from all my friends, acquaintances, and the people that surround me. How is yours? If the majority is negative, it’s time to invite new members into your core circle!

We are environmentally influenced creatures that keep absorbing from our surroundings and environments, creating symbiosis with what is around us. We basically feed our mind with the places we visit, the people we meet, the food we eat, the hobbies we take part in, and we encompass it all with our habits.

I often encounter in clients the feeling of “not belonging anymore” to the tribe they felt part of for so many years—during childhood, at the workplace, or just from one day to the other you realize your “friends” are actually only drinking mates or “kill time” buddies, not people to open up to and share your vulnerabilities and deeper concerns with.

Sometimes we forget that as a part of absorbing and responding to these constant units of information and influences, we have the power to create and generate new realities. We can move from being influenced to being influencers. Therefore, if we can’t find the right circles, environment, or groups we wished existed, why not create our own? Create what we wish existed for ourselves!

💬ACTIVITY CORNER

Jim Rohn Theory: Who are the 5 people that you are most present with? List them and rate them from 0-10. Are they happy? Are they optimistic about life? Do they get excited about your life accomplishments and victories? When you share your ideas, do they listen and encourage you? Do they work hard to achieve their dreams? Are the people around you cultivating joy and happiness? If the majority are less than a 5, Jim Rohn would say—It is time to change your top 5!

Our conscious mind finds it easy to label, relate to theories and archetypes that help organize people into certain categories. Lately, we have started to get familiar with the phrase “being toxic.” What we used to call having a negative behavior has been remarked upon with the label of “toxicity.” I believe that we all go through good and bad moods and moments throughout our life; therefore, labeling someone as toxic places a heavy burden on their identity. I am a firm believer that our behavior is not our identity; it does not define us as human beings. It is a coping mechanism that can be improved and, at last, changed. Contradictorily, a percentage of psychologists (G.S. Everly PhD 2019 and others) affirm that there are toxic and non-toxic people and we should not allow them into our lives as they create interpersonal disasters.

A toxic person is often:

• Draining (you feel low in energy after spending time with them)
• Unwilling to accept responsibility or apologize
• Disinterested in your accomplishments
• Frequently negative, pessimistic, or passive-aggressive
• Manipulative, unreliable, and often engaged in gossip and blame

Personally, I have rarely met people with all these traits. When standing your ground and expressing discomfort about speaking of others in their absence, it stops happening, at least in front of me! Despite this, I observed and experienced that we get trapped in dysfunctional psychological roles that distort our reality. They place us in limiting perspectives, often out of ignorance and not knowing better.

The three main roles we get constantly entangled in are: the victim, the rescuer, and the prosecutor roles, also known as the dramatic triangle by S. Karpman. Its main three traps are: when interacting, we either take on over-responsibility without anyone’s request, blame others out of frustration about things not being the way we wished (or are out of our control), or take on the victim role, feeling pity for ourselves and our circumstances. We jump from one to the other, creating negative patterns and unhealthy behaviors. Therefore, I strongly believe that these roles, once researched, understood, and detected, are enough for us to avoid unnecessary “games” with hurtful endings. Our nature is wise, and once we know and are reminded of what is healthy, we cannot go back to not knowing and not being willing to do what’s right.

I can’t conclude today’s guideline without giving examples of the people I get nurtured by, we could call them “nurturing people.”
They:

• Listen without unnecessary judgment
• Live in inspiring ways
• Uplift my mood simply by sharing space
• Help me reframe worries with humor
• Support joy, success, and honest communication
• Are reliable, open, and genuinely appreciative
• Respect differences and give space when needed

“Human nature is potentially aggressive and destructive and potentially orderly and constructive.” — Margaret Mead.

It is up to us what we do with our potential, actions, behavior, and which environments and influencing people we allow into our lives.

Are you waiting for life to happen while you are making plans to follow what is around, or are you willing to be true to yourself and create the reality you want to be part of?

Clara Garcias November 2020